The Walk #2

Its an Inside Job. Fear wears a lot of outfits. Tonight's was "I'm too tired to walk."

(audio walk above, read it below)

It’s 11:50pm. I’m walking.

I was supposed to get 15,000 steps today. Woke up tired — donated blood yesterday. Ran this morning anyway. Napped before the Knicks game. Work commitments rolling through the night. And then it’s 11:50 and I’m still short.

So I walk.

Talked to Steve tonight — my sponsor. And the thing I don’t want to lose from that call is this:

I have dreams in my heart.

For the longest time I couldn’t say them out loud. Comparison would shut it down. Self-pity. Anger. Victimhood. The character defects would line up in formation — and underneath all of them, the one actually running the operation, was fear.

The fear shows up as procrastination. That’s the disguise it wears.

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Here’s the truth I’ve been afraid to say:

I want a Billboard #1 hit.

I wrote a rap in second grade. Turned it in instead of the book report. The dream has been in me that long.

It’s not braggadocious to say what’s true. It’s just hard. But I’m getting used to it.

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These walks aren’t just about steps.

I used to escape. Alcohol. Drugs. Work. If my girlfriend was being nasty, or I was upset about something, I’d distance myself. Isolate. Pour into work. Pour into music. Or get high and look at the ocean — telling myself I was being an artist. A worker. Taking care of myself.

The opposite was true.

I’d say I have to be successful. I have to have fun.

How wrong I was.

I’m an alcoholic. So even good things, I’d abuse to the point of insanity.

Steve calls it the forever game. The defects don’t disappear — they just show up in new outfits. Tonight’s outfit was I’m too tired to walk. But the real story was, I was scared to be alone with myself in the quiet.

Because on these walks, I talk to God. I figure out who I am. I solidify what I’m working on. That’s the thing the fear actually wants me to skip.

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So I named the fears tonight:

I’m scared I’ll never make a hit record. I’m scared I’ll never find success again. I’m scared I’ll never meet the love of my life.

And then — the thing I couldn’t have said two years ago:

I’m in the greatest situation I’ve ever been in. Because I’m more connected to God than I’ve ever been. And it’s not a false statement anymore.

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252 lbs a year ago. 193 to 195 right now. Body’s holding water. It’s slow. It’s not glamorous.

It’s just the work. And it’s progress. And I can see it.

14,400 steps. By the time I’m back inside, it’ll be 15,000.

But the number isn’t the point.

The point is another notch in the peg that says: mind over matter. Believe in myself. Listen to God. Don’t let the defects stop me from where I’m going.

Lose the weight. Build the body. Become successful again. Become the person I actually am inside. And the work is an INSIDE JOB.

Grateful for that tonight.

May 21st, 2026.

— SGN